Day 108/365: I think I’m still the same as I was 25 years ago.
In my stay-at-home world during this time of mandated not working, I am thankful for the time off, actually, because I was asking the Powers in the Universe that be that I needed it to get some things done. Thank God, God answered me. Now, I am not happy that things had to close down and people are losing work, money, ways of doing things, some get to go back and others don’t, yet. I am not making light of the virus that is going around and hurting people in many ways. Not at all. I’m just leading up to what I wanted to say about me.
In part of the things I am using this forced time off is to get things done around the house that has been somewhat neglected these past few years. I don’t mean to say that I have just let it go because I do things for my house quite a bit. But, a drop in finances has made some other things just get put back on hold until I can afford to take care of them.
One of my projects was to purge through all of my saved course work when I was in acupuncture school, 25 years ago. Oddly, the first thing I saw when I opened a three ring binder was a journal writing that was part of a Tai Chi class I took. The journaling was to produce something concrete to grade us on. Here is what I wrote, and it still holds true today. This was hand written.
“I am not much of a journaler and I’m not sure why. Maybe partly due to I don’t like to write much; some carpal tunnel and dislike of putting personal thoughts down on paper. I can’t say I’m always honest with my feelings on paper because they can be used against me. (I can get very deep into my life experiences in my head and verbally, but I won’t in writing.) I hope I can still do my best for this assignment. The weeks of journaling probably won’t be marked or distinguished.
It was hard reading the first article because it is hard to read and move your body at the same time. (Insert — the instructor used a red pen to underline the last part of that sentence starting with the word ‘hard’.) It felt choppy, certain muscles didn’t like the moves, always, and I am confusing my karate training with the Tai Chi. It will take some time for me.
Interestingly, I was able to remember the moves, I think. I couldn’t remember the exercises that we did before the form, though. I hope we keep practicing those, as well. Relaxation is a key. Relaxation is not coming easy — I feel too self conscious plus my muscles aren’t loosening. Car accidents and lack of discipline stretching — I used to stretch quite often but now it can send parts of me into spasms which can last several days. In time, this will change. I have accepted that I may need to do things a bit longer than someone else, but I don’t want to compromise my moves, but I (Insert — here the instructor starts underlining my sentence in red and writes the word ‘Key’) will adjust the exercise to fit my own body. An interesting challenge.
My journaling only sometimes consists of a few thoughts. It is hard for me to get into this for some reason ~ I don’t understand why. I love the Martial Arts; I can see where this is very beneficial but something is holding me back.
Had trouble remembering the form, again. Frustrated. I couldn’t find a quiet time (when I wasn’t too tired) to do it without getting interrupted by my kids. Later, I saw my 2 year old moving his arms; he had been watching a Tai Chi tape that I have with me. The form on the tape was slightly different. Disappointing. If Master’s take 30 years, I’m going to take 60! Don’t know what’s going on. I think I’m pre-occupied. Though when in class I feel like it’s coming along better. Still dependent on the teacher for many moves. (Insert — the whole next line is underlined in red with added words in the margin ‘important insight’.) I understand that is one of my ways of learning physical things of any sort — I mimic before I understand.
Not much quiet or alone time in my life, right now. When I do get some, it’s literally in the middle of the night. I feel like I wait a lot. I want this to be a meditative practice so I won’t give up on it. Obviously, I need it. Falling a bit behind with the readings. Guess I’ll have to hide in the bathroom to catch up.
Thanksgiving break and I’m taking it! It’s over now and I feel a crunch coming. It will click (the form) and I remember more than I thought. If I forget something I don’t care as much as I do about keeping the movement going. I wonder what this would feel like in a pool of water? Will have to try it sometime when I’m better at it.”
So, Readers, what is the same for me? How I learn, by letting time settle the knowledge, how I mimic, and how I know that I will never be fully honest about some parts of me, in writing. It’s not like I’m going into politics, where EVERYONE digs up your past and then holds it against you and publishes it. I wrote this in 1995. I really don’t remember when I bought my first computer. I’m not sure when I started paying attention to all the crap people say in social media, which gets shared, loved or hated, and all the isms that we aren’t supposed to say to each other are said, anyhow. Sometimes it seems like people are publicly lynching with words — enough to destroy people (it’s called bullying and you can hate that kids bully your kids, but how many of the adults bully adults?) It’s everywhere.
After I found this paper, I decided I wasn’t ready to throw out five years of schooling papers. They take up a whole shelf in my closet, but I think there are some good things to revisit before I do. I will witness a part of me and the changes I went through while I was learning, and in my home life. It was a hard time, a good time, and a part of me that shaped me in other ways. But, in all, I am still who I was. The same things still excite me, the same things still piss me off, and the same habits come around to visit me, again. Even though my first child is 15 and 17 years older than her brothers, I don’t think I changed the way I parented, either.
Truthfully, the same chronic pain from car accidents and other injuries are still with me. Aging never helps that, but seeking new ways of healing makes it something to look forward to (knowledge, not pain).