Day 116: I made a decision today.
Quite sure, I am going to create another issue for myself, but here goes. This picture says it all, for me. NO ONE gets to practice genocide on God’s Creation. And, those who think they can, because they put themselves in that position, I hope you like heat, cuz it’s going to get very hot where you live once you leave earth. (I’m talking about those who show no regret but instead feel entitlement and pleasure from it.) I just don’t get it.
But, that’s not why I started to write tonight. It was because of scrolling through Facebook today, and for the past couple of months, the increasing sadness I have been feeling, coupled with the anger creeping in more, too. Usually, I only dip in (to FB) once in a while (with the exception of sending these writings there), but today I decided that I am not going to stay connected to those my heart really clashes with because my heart can’t take it. I’m not even referring to the Pro-life/pro-choice stance, here. This picture referring to us all being human is why I chose this picture.
You are probably thinking that it is my judgements about them (those I’m distancing from) that made me feel so, and I guess that is technically true. I don’t like to fight, though, I have been a fighter all my life and I am not one to back down. Ask anyone who understands what a provoked Aries is like, or an Enneagram 8. Neither system presents a weak person. I have more than once jumped in to protect someone in public that I have seen get abused by another. Stupidly maybe, but I didn’t consider my own life, at the time.
I had to be alert because it started very early in my life. Age four, to be exact. That’s quite young to learn something horrible. Something I couldn’t even compute. As I learned about how the body registers everything that happens in your life. When I started learning alternative healings, first massage, then it moved into Oriental Medicine much later, it was my teachers that kept pointing things out to me because of the different areas of my body that were holding tension. They would point out things that it could mean, but I didn’t want to try and figure it out. At the same time, it was like a whisper to me all the time that I couldn’t stop hearing.
So, I started to question those who might have been able to help me figure things out but not let them know what I was trying to ask. Partly, because I knew that others could have been hurt by it and I wasn’t willing to do that to them. I’m still not, so there will be no details given to you. When I asked a question of my mom (she’s been dead for 18 years, now) she said that when they picked me up from where they had left me to be watched (she was in the hospital having my brother), she said to my dad, “something has happened to Mary”. All I remember leaving was looking out the car window. I know now.
God has always been and will always be a major part of my life, and I hold a continuous conversation with Him, daily. Sometimes, we even fight — or I should say, I fight with Him. He’s big enough to handle my anger. I apologize later when I cool down. Forgiveness is freeing. Very freeing. It doesn’t make you forget things, it just removes the emotion from it and you can look at it differently and move on. It doesn’t condone things, though, either. Certain behaviors are just wrong.
So, today I made the decision that I was not going to stay connected to those who openly make fun of God, and blame Him for our choices. There is evil in the world, and He will definitely handle it. He is patient, but He also gives perpetrators enough rope that they hang themselves. As I said yesterday, you can’t sneak past God.
Do I fuck up? You bet I do, and have. So, instead of fighting now, I prefer to say my piece, but move on. Did Jesus tell us to love our enemies? Yes, He did. Love is what changes things in people, not hate. When I see the hatred, and it influences my heart and thoughts, it isn’t easy to catch myself before my mouth shoots, but I am learning that when I can, just move away from it. Not at the cost of letting people trample over others, but prayer will be my best weapon.
In one of my major relationships to a person who had an astrological sign of Scorpio, and mutual friend said about our relationship, “One has a stinger, the other carries a sword”. Yup. We are not together, but we are still friends, in spite of our differences.
