Day 94: I can Relate
I’ve had a few friends over a 40 year period I had to let go. They were all women. One was in the 1970s, whom I really had a good time with, our toddler to young children played together and we sometimes watched each other’s kids to either work, or go out. I really enjoyed that time together, and at the time, so did our husbands. Unfortunately, that marriage crumbled on me and I ended up divorcing, had a two year old child, and had to move. That wasn’t the problem between us. But, as I was packing my things up from my house, and issue came up about money that I had no idea had been loaned to my spouse, by them. She knew I was very broke, and as I was packing one day, she came over and then wanted me to pay the debt. What debt? Now mine had been in construction and had access to left over supplies, like ceramic tiles lumber, etc., and he gave that to them to help them build a sauna in their house. What they had received was far more than the debt he owed them. It set me back, and long story short, I said so, and that I was not responsible for that debt. I moved, and that ended that. She did agree with me, though.
But, a more current issue wasn’t so clear cut. More subtle passive aggression, or as you said, made you feel little, sabotaged your dreams because she could not carry her own out due to a past issue that happened to her 8 years, prior. While I do believe she got rail-roaded, she could not only not move on from it; thus, not ever making any real money, but she would always find fault with my goals. There were many things I loved about her, but I would leave feeling a deep anger in me that I couldn’t place.
I would watch her with other friends, and how she would make people wait… she would invite them over, and then decide to want to have music, and would take 45 minutes to pick a song. In the meantime, the friends would grumble amongst themselves, and I was beginning to connect the dots.
I would invite her over for different reasons but she didn’t drive (lost her license but never told me), so she had to depend on someone to bring her. We lived close, and I would offer to come and get her, but mostly she refused, or wouldn’t commit and I was left hanging. She would say that she would come around 3:30, then at 3:10 tell me she got held up and it would be closer to 4, then she would show up at 4:30. After several times of this, I called it out. She was constantly making people wait for her, even at her house when she invited them over. Then after 1/2–1 hour later when they started wandering off, or got ready to leave, I would see this child in her show up.
Very upset when people didn’t put up with it…”I’m trying to be a good host”, “I’m only trying to help you with your business” (I didn’t ask for help, nor do I want to move away from my plan). My anger would come from somewhere deep, and I couldn’t understand it, and I started halting that process and wouldn’t let her manipulate me that way any more. I knew one night when I went over there, I had a thought that it would be my last time. I knew there was a new issue I had with her, and when I approached it, I was belittled by her to try and make me feel I was nuts. The night didn’t end so well, and it was the last time I saw her, though she did reach out in a text, on Valentine’s Day, of all days, and I did respond to it, but I knew I couldn’t continue with it. She brought out something so deep in me that I did not like (probably a limbic system response), that I knew it could never be the same, and I couldn’t stay.
I wish them well. I wrote a poem about the first one, because in that conversation about the debt, she said something that sparked a knowing in me that she had done something that was unfaithful towards me. I could have easily flipped it and what I knew would have destroyed her, and her marriage, but I didn’t want to do that. So, I wrote a poem. Somewhere, I still have it.
